Home Is A Feeling
by SupernaturalGeek
Summary: Part 2 of the Jean & Toby series, although can be read alone. Slight spoilers past 'Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things'. Dean and Sam revisit old friends and try to come to terms with everything that has happened to them since their last visit.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This is sort of a sequel to my previous story 'Life Is A Highway' – thanks very much to **KatieLB** for giving me the idea! :) Hope it turned out ok... And while I'm here I'd just like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who's been kind enough to review my other stories. It really does make my day and you've all been lovely! :)_

Dean tried to ease some of the tension in his neck without getting Sam's attention. He surreptitiously shifted his head and winced when he heard something click. Annoyingly of course Sam had a habit of knowing what was going on with him at all times, just as he did with Sam, and so he turned away from looking at the view out of the window and looked at Dean with a frown.

"You ok?" he said.

Dean clenched his jaw. "I'm fine Sam" he said, trying not to let irritation leak into his voice. Sam meant well, it was just Dean was so sick of being asked if he was ok every five minutes. He was seriously thinking of having a t-shirt with I'M FINE - REALLY printed in huge black letters right across it.

Sam sighed but didn't pursue it. He knew given the mood Dean had been in the past few days there was no point. The atmosphere in the Impala was almost unbearable since Dean had admitted to Sam how he really felt about John's death and his own miraculous recovery. Sam had been stunned by the revelation and was at a loss as to how to fix things for his brother. And that's exactly what he wanted to do. Seeing Dean in so much pain had felt like someone stabbing him right in the heart. He'd been so shocked to see his usually stoic big brother admitting his feelings aloud, and by what Dean had actually said, that his brain had frozen before he'd been able to come up with a reasonable response. By the time he could almost think straight again, Dean's walls had been firmly back up in place. Asking Sam to 'leave it' Dean had simply got back in the car and carried on driving.

That had been the day before yesterday and since then Dean had barely said two words. The previous night they'd stopped at a motel and Dean had gone out for a walk while Sam was taking a shower. He'd at least left a note, but that didn't mean Sam had worried any less for the two hours he'd been gone. He'd said nothing when he got back, except that Sam needn't have waited up for him, and by the time he'd come out of the shower Sam had lost his battle to stay awake. Dean had been up before him again this morning, as he seemed to be every morning these days, and all he'd said to Sam was that they needed to get back on the road.

They were travelling North, to follow up on reports of what might be some sort of werewolf type animal. They were about three hundred miles from their destination still and Sam's back and legs were numb from being coped up in the passenger seat for so long. Not to criticize Dean's 'baby' but she was not comfortable for four hours plus when you were over 6" tall. They'd only stopped once so far, at Sam's insistence, for some food around lunchtime. Not that Dean had eaten much. Something else that was worrying Sam these days. And he hadn't let Sam do any of the driving either. It was now early evening and beginning to get dark, but as Sam looked out at the forest they were passing suddenly something clicked.

"Hey Dean? Isn't this the road we ran out of gas on? When we met Toby and Jean?" he said, turning to face him.

Dean glanced over to the left and frowned for a second before nodding.

"Yeah, you might be right. Huh – I hadn't realised this trip would put us back on this road again" he said, sounding thoughtful.

Sam stayed silent for a moment and then decided to risk it.

"Do you think we could stop by and say hi? They did ask us to come back and see them next time we were passing" he said tentatively.

Dean thought about it for a minute. Truth was the idea of seeing the old couple was pretty appealing right now. They'd been so caring and thoughtful last time, helping them out of a tight spot and expecting nothing in return. They'd only been with them for maybe two hours tops, but it had felt like they'd known them years somehow by the time they parted company. He felt a sudden pang of longing as he thought of the homely kitchen and the warm welcome they would most likely receive. It had only been six months since they'd last been here but with all that had happened it felt like a lifetime. Dean wasn't the same person as he'd been back then, everything that had happened recently taking it's toll, and he longed to slow down just for a minute and let somebody else take control. Especially since his conversation with Sam two days ago. Talking was supposed to make you feel better but it had only made Dean feel worse. He'd seen the shock on his brother's face and the way Sam kept shooting him worried glances wasn't lost on him.

"Dean?"

Hearing Sam's voice Dean realised he'd got lost in thought. Shaking his head he shrugged.

"I guess we could stop by, just for a minute. We shouldn't go empty handed though" he said and Sam nodded.

"Good idea. Why don't we carry on into town and pick something up for both of them and then double back – it shouldn't take long" he said and Dean nodded.

Less than thirty minutes later they pulled up in front of the town's local store. Sam got out gratefully, stretching abused muscles with a groan. Dean glared at him.

"You better not be implying my car's uncomfortable Sam" he said and Sam rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure it's not – if you're short" he said innocently, knowing how defensive Dean was of being a few inches shorter than his 'little' brother.

"Oh you so did not just go there" said Dean and Sam just smirked at him as they walked towards the store.

Dean shook his head, putting the comment to one side for retribution later. He couldn't help but smile to himself though. It was the first time he and Sam had joked about anything for weeks, and it felt good. Normal even. He could see Sam felt it too by the grin he was giving him. Rolling his eyes and shoving Sam with his shoulder, they went inside.

Despite the connection they'd made with the couple, neither of them actually knew that much about them from the brief time they'd spent with them. They decided to play it safe and go with a bottle of Scotch for Toby and a bunch of flowers for Jean. They just hoped Toby wasn't tee-total.

Retracing their journey it only took them twenty minutes to reach the turn off for the couple's home. Turning onto the dirt track Dean guided the Chevy along carefully, watching out for potholes. Sam chuckled at the care Dean was taking going 'off road' with his precious car and watched the trees as they passed them.

"This is easier than the route we took last time" he said dryly and Dean smirked.

"You got that right" he replied, thinking of their scramble through the forest with only a small flashlight to guide them. They'd been lucky to come away from the experience with only a sprained ankle between them.

"Here we go" he said suddenly, as the lights of Toby and Jean's house appeared in front of them.

"I hope we're not disturbing them" said Sam, suddenly feeling a little nervous. There was a difference between asking someone to drop in 'next time you're passing' and having them arrive on your doorstep unannounced.

"Too late to worry about that now, Sammy" said Dean.

Sam looked at him in surprise. With the tenseness of the last few weeks it had been a while since Dean had called him that. Feeling pleased rather than annoyed for once he said nothing, just smiled to himself.

Coming to a stop, Dean switched off the engine and they both got out. Sam found himself straightening his clothes nervously and when he looked up Dean was smirking at him. Sam glared at him, which only made Dean smirk more. Sam did note with some satisfaction though that as they went up the steps onto the porch Dean looked nervous too.

Glancing briefly at Sam, Dean knocked on the door.

"Coming" called Jean as she walked towards the door. Opening it, she saw Dean and Sam and her face lit up.

"Oh, my – Dean, Sam! It is so good to see you boys again" she said, smiling warmly at them.

Both of them couldn't help but return the smile.

"We were just passing and wanted to say hello" said Dean.

"Oh I'm so glad you did, and Toby will be too. He's just running some errands in town but he's due back any moment. Come on in" she said.

Sam suddenly realised he was still holding the bunch of flowers and brought them forward.

"These are for you" said Sam, handing them to her.

"They are beautiful!" said Jean, inhaling their scent "You shouldn't have"

"It's the least we could do after you were so kind to us before" said Dean, blushing slightly less than he had last time as Jean hugged him and then Sam.

"Oh that was our pleasure my dear. Now come and sit down. I was just getting dinner ready – you'll join us won't you?" she said ushering them into the kitchen.

"We don't want to interrupt" said Sam but Jean as already waving away the objections.

"Nonsense – we'd love you to stay. Now make yourselves comfortable" she said.

Grinning at Dean Sam sat down at the table, Dean sitting down opposite him. They were in exactly the same seats as they were last time. Sam found himself wishing that it was that easy to turn the clock back. Catching sight of the wistful look on Dean's face Sam guessed his brother was thinking the same thing.

Reaching out Sam nudged Dean's leg and mouthed 'you ok?' to him. Dean shrugged and nodded, managing a small smile that Sam returned. He wasn't completely convinced but it would have to be good enough for now.

"Here we go" said Jean, coming back to the table carrying two mugs of steaming coffee.

"Great – thanks" said Dean, inhaling the scent with a sigh of appreciation. He loved a good cup of coffee but sadly life on the road often meant they were reduced to drinking sludge that passed itself off as coffee.

Sam also thanked Jean and he too absorbed the enticing aroma as he sipped the hot liquid carefully.

At that moment they heard the front door open and Toby's voice carried into the kitchen.

"I'm back sweetheart" he called and Jean smiled at them as she wiped her hands on her apron and went out into the hallway to greet her husband.

"We've got company dear" she said and came back in, closely followed by Toby. When he saw Dean and Sam sat at the table his face broke into a pleased grin.

"Well I'll be – this is a nice surprise. How you boys doing?" he said shaking Sam's hand and then Dean's.

"We're fine, thanks. Just passing through and wanted to say hello. This is for you by the way" said Dean, reaching into his jacket and pulling out the bottle of scotch.

Toby grinned appreciatively "That's mighty kind of you, but you didn't have to" he said.

"We wanted to - you really helped us out last time" said Sam.

"They bought me these flowers too" said Jean, fetching the vase which she'd been arranging them in "Aren't they beautiful?"

"That they are" said Toby as she put them pride of place in the middle of the table.

"Dinner will be ready in just a minute. The boys are able to stay, isn't that nice?" she said heading back over to the aga stove.

"I should hope so" said Toby "You can tell us what you been up to since we last saw you. Not running out of gas I hope?" he said with a teasing smile.

Dean chuckled "No, I managed to train Sammy here to spot things like that a lot sooner" he said dryly and Sam rolled his eyes.

"Don't listen to him – it was so not my fault last time" he protested.

Toby chuckled "You two sound like my youngest grandkids" he said with fond amusement.

Both Dean and Sam blushed, but they too could see the funny side and ended up laughing along with him.

"Now why don't you men go get cleaned up – Toby will show you the way" said Jean firmly.

Toby winked at them "It's best to do as you're told when she uses that tone" he said sotto voice, earning himself a mock glare from Jean.

Dean and Sam both struggled to conceal their grins as they followed Toby upstairs to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later they were sat at the table, plates overflowing with delicious smelling home-cooked food. There was chicken, vegetables, baked potatoes and fresh bread. They dutifully bowed their heads as Toby said grace, but once Jean told them to 'go ahead' they both tucked in with gusto. They hadn't had such a fantastic meal since the last time they'd sampled Jean's cooking.

"I hope you left room for desert – I have a fresh apple pie I made just this morning" said Jean once they were done.

Dean groaned. "I may never have to eat again" he said as he got up to help Jean clear the table.

Sam raised his eyebrows in amusement at Dean's good manners, getting up to bring his and Toby's plates over to the sink too. Dean just gave him a look that said 'what' and Sam smirked.

"Now you two sit yourselves down – you're our guests tonight" scolded Jean.

Back at the table Toby sat back, sipping his coffee.

"So now we're done with the food, what have you boys been up to?" he said conversationally.

Dean glanced at Sam and swallowed a little before answering.

"This and that. We, uh, we had a bit of an accident a couple of months back. We had to take some time to get my baby back on the road and now we're just heading up North. We got some work up there" he said, shifting a little uncomfortably.

Toby frowned "Are you both alright? Sounds like quite an accident" he said with concern.

Dean shot Sam a look, so he answered.

"Yeah, we're both fine now thanks. We were lucky. Our Dad was with us when we had the accident though. He didn't make it" said Sam quietly.

Toby shook his head and Jean came back over, putting her hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Oh my dears – I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to happen" she said compassionately.

Toby nodded "Yeah, I'm real sorry to hear that. He musta been real proud of you boys though" he said.

Sam managed to nod, blinking back the tears that were suddenly in his eyes. He looked over at Dean and saw his brother was looking down at the table. Only someone who knew him as well as Sam would have noticed the clench in his jaw or the slight heave in his chest as he tried to keep his breathing under control. Jean seemed to instinctively understand though and she went over and put her arm around Dean for a moment.

Instead of pulling away, Dean leaned into the embrace for a second. Looking up to meet her gaze he gave a slightly watery smile of thanks and Jean put her hand against the side of his face briefly.

Seeming to understand that they needed to get their emotions under control again, she gave Dean's shoulders a final squeeze and turned back to the aga.

"Lets have some of this pie before it gets cold" she said briskly.

Toby stood up.

"Why don't we have some of that scotch?" he said, going over to the cupboard to fetch some glasses.

As much as Dean wanted a drink right now, he was always careful about drinking and driving.

"I shouldn't really – we got a lot of miles to cover" he said apologetically.

"Well why don't you stay here tonight?" said Jean. "You can get a good night's sleep and head on first thing. I'm sure that job you're going to could wait till then couldn't it?"

Dean looked at Sam. It was a tempting thought. He raised an eyebrow questioningly and Sam thought for a moment before nodding. It was just what they needed right now.

"If you're sure it wouldn't be any bother" said Dean and Jean shook her head.

"Now I wouldn't have offered if it was would I?" she said firmly.

Toby nodded "That's settled then" he said, bringing over three glasses and the scotch bottle.

Desert was as delicious as the meal and the combination of home cooking, the company, and the scotch left them feeling pleasantly warm inside. Understanding somehow that neither Sam or Dean were ready to talk much, Toby and Jean filled them in on what had been happening with them. They told them about their two sons and daughter, and their four grandchildren. Jean showed them photographs and told them amusing stories about things the children had said or done.

Dean could feel his eyelids starting to droop. He felt more relaxed than he had in ages and looking across at Sam sprawled comfortably in his chair he could see his brother was just as relaxed.

Noticing the boys tiredness, Jean stood up briskly.

"Why don't I go get your room sorted out – I hope you don't mind sharing?"

"No problem – we're used to it" said Dean and she nodded.

"I'll just be a moment. You two stay right there"

"I hope this really isn't any trouble" said Sam and Toby shook his head.

"Of course not. We're glad of the company. Do you need me to make sure you're up by a certain time in the morning? Or can you stay a little longer – Jean makes a mean breakfast" he said with a smile.

Groaning at the thought of more food, Dean nevertheless nodded "That sounds lovely. There's nothing that can't wait for us a couple more hours" he said and Sam nodded his agreement.

"That's settled then" said Toby with satisfaction.

Jean came back down at that moment.

"The rooms all ready – it's the third on your right as you go up the stairs. I've left some towels on your beds and you know where the bathroom is. Just make yourselves at home" she said warmly.

"I'll go grab the bags from the car" said Dean. Getting up he bent over and gave Jean a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you" he said softly and she smiled.

Sam also gave her a kiss as he went past and she reached up and patted his cheek.

"Sleep well" she said softly and he nodded.

Dean came back carrying both bags, one of which he handed to Sam.

"Well, goodnight boys. Just holler if you need anything" said Toby.

"Yes, we'll be just along the hall" said Jean.

"Thanks – goodnight" said Dean.

"Night" said Sam as he followed Dean out the door.

The room was as homely as the rest of the house, with pale blue walls, lemon curtains and two single beds separated by a small table holding a lamp. There was a chest of drawers against one wall and a chair next to the door. As promised there was a fresh, fluffy towel on each bed.

"You can go first" said Dean, indicating the bathroom.

Sam quickly grabbed some fresh cloths and his wash bag, and headed out of the room. The hot water was lovely, easing the remaining tension in his neck. He showered quickly, not wanting to use up all the hot water, and headed back into their room. Dean had almost dozed off but he roused as he heard Sam coming and ten minutes later he too was feeling clean and fresh.

Switching off the light so that only the small lamp illuminated the room, Dean laid his towel over Sam's on the chair and tossed his clothes on top of one of the bags.

Getting into bed he reached out and turned off the lamp as Sam was already half asleep.

They lay there in the dark quietly, Dean letting out a satisfied sigh as he sank into the comfortable bed and fresh smelling sheets.

He though Sam was asleep so he was surprised when he spoke.

"Hey Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad we came"

Dean smiled even though he knew Sam couldn't see it in the dark.

"Me too. Night Sammy" he said.

"Night Dean" said Sam with an answering smile.

Within minutes both Winchesters were fast asleep.

_tbc _


	2. Chapter 2

When Dean woke it took him a while to work out where he was. He could tell by the sheets and the décor of the room that they weren't in a motel, and it took a few seconds for him to remember they were at Toby and Jean's.

Stretching comfortably, he reached out and grabbed his watch to check the time.

5.30am.

Shaking his head he put it back on the table and lay back against his pillow. This new habit of waking up so early was really beginning to annoy him. It was usually Sam who was up with the dawn, but since his release from the hospital Dean had been waking long before Sam did. At least this time he wasn't feeling exhausted. He'd slept like a log last night, and for the first time since John died. Normally he woke every few hours and spent his time dreaming of demons and battles, but this time he'd slept well and felt – refreshed.

Deciding that he wasn't going to get back to sleep despite the early hour, Dean quietly got up and got dressed. He glanced over at Sam and all he could see of his brother was some hair poking out from under the sheets. He couldn't help but grin – Sam had always slept like that. Heading for the bathroom he quickly washed his face, sorted out his hair and cleaned his teeth. Dropping his stuff back in their room and closing the door quietly behind him, he made his way downstairs.

It was still pretty dark but to his surprise there was light coming from the kitchen. Opening the door he saw Toby sat at the table, coffee mug in hand, reading a paper. He looked up as Dean came in.

"Ah, another early riser I see" he said with a grin "Help yourself to the coffee, it's fresh"

"Thanks" said Dean, grabbing a mug from the side and filling it to the rim. He took it over to the table and sat down opposite Toby.

"Sam still asleep?" said Toby and he nodded.

"Yeah. He normally wakes pretty early though. Used to be earlier than me but.." Dean's voice tailed off and he sipped his coffee to cover the silence.

Toby looked at him compassionately. "This new sleep pattern been since your Father died?" he said quietly and Dean nodded.

"Pretty much. I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things you know?" he said softly.

Toby shook his head "You need to give yourself time – it's only been a couple of months and you don't come to terms with something like that overnight" he said.

Dean sighed "You're probably right. I just can't help wishing things could be the way they were"

Toby stood to get another coffee, and put his hand on Dean's shoulder for a moment.

"So does everyone when something like that happens. Course life's just not that easy" he said.

"Yeah, I know. I just feel bad for Sam. I should be helping him through this and I can't even deal with it myself" said Dean with frustration.

"Why can't you help each other through it?" said Toby and Dean shook his head.

"Cos I'm the oldest – I'm the one whose supposed to look after him, not the other way round" he said.

Toby chuckled "I bet Sam might disagree with that statement" he said and Dean shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah, well.. " he said, tailing off.

Recognising that a change of subject would be appreciated, Toby opened the back door and looked out.

"Sun'll be coming up soon – how'd you feel about helping me chop some wood while we wait for those two to join us?" he said.

Dean nodded "Sure – no problem" he said.

Sam woke slowly, relishing the comfortableness of the bed he was lying in. Pushing the sheets back he lifted his head up and saw the room was bathed in pale light. Remembering straight away that they were at Jean and Toby's, he glanced over at Dean's bed and frowned when he saw it was neatly made and conspicuously empty. His watch was on the table and picking it up, he saw it was a little before 7am.

Getting up he got dressed, visited the bathroom and headed downstairs. The kitchen was empty but he could smell coffee and there were two empty mugs and a coffee pot on the side. Hearing voices outside he went to the back door and opened it. Blinking in the early morning sunshine he followed the voices round the back of the house and saw Dean and Toby outside the shed. Dean had an axe in his hand and was chopping wood, while Toby sat on an old log with various tools spread out around him as he sharpened them.

With the usual sixth sense Dean had where Sam was concerned he looked up, and grinned as Sam walked over to them.

"Hey, sleeping beauty awakes. 'Bout time you joined us – some of us have been up for hours you know"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Good morning to you too, Dean. Hey Toby" he said.

"Morning Sam. Sleep well?" said Toby with a smile.

"Yeah, great actually. I can't remember the last time I slept that well" said Sam truthfully.

Dean nodded "Me too – those are some beds you got there" he said and Toby chuckled.

"Yeah, we always have trouble getting the grandkids up when they stay too. Maybe I oughta start putting some rocks in there" he said and both of them grinned.

Toby stood and put down the tool and sharpener he was holding.

"Reckon now everyone's up we could do with some more coffee. Jean will be down any minute now" he said.

"You need a hand?" said Sam but Toby shook his head.

"No, thanks. I'll be right back" he said as he headed back inside.

Sam leaned against the shed, watching Dean as he chopped the wood. He had to admit despite Dean being awake before him still, he did look much better than he had done in weeks. He seemed relaxed and the dark circles under his eyes were less noticeable.

Dean noticed Sam looking at him with a thoughtful expression and rolled his eyes.

"What? I got something on my face?" he said.

Sam chuckled and shook his head. "No, I was just thinking" he said.

Dean groaned "Great – that's all we need"

Sam just shook his head "Cute, Dean. It's not my fault the universe could only allow for one thinker in the family" he said dryly.

Dean glared at him "Hilarious, Francis – I almost hurt myself there" he said.

At that moment the back door opened and Jean came out.

"Morning boys" she called and Dean waved as she came over.

"Morning" they both said and she smiled at them.

"I take it you're hungry by now?" she said and Dean nodded.

"I could eat" he said with a grin and Sam nodded too.

"Glad to hear it" said Jean firmly.

"Can I give you a hand with anything?" said Sam, wanting to be useful especially since Dean was already helping Toby.

"Why yes, that would be lovely" said Jean "We'll come get you when it's ready" she said over her shoulder to Dean as she started to walk back to the house.

Sam followed her, ignoring Dean's smirk at the idea of him helping out in the kitchen.

Toby came back out just as Jean reached the door, carrying three cups of coffee. Seeing Sam was heading back inside he gave him his, and carried the other two over to the shed. Dean put down the axe and accepted one of the mugs gratefully.

"Thanks"

They spent a few moments just enjoying the early morning sun, Toby sitting on the log and Dean leaning against the shed. Dean couldn't remember the last time he felt this relaxed.

"So have you actually talked to Sam about how he feels 'bout all this?" said Toby after a while.

Dean started a little at the interruption, and glanced at the old man before looking away guiltily.

"Not exactly. We're not what you'd call a 'caring & sharing' kinda family" he said with a wry smile.

"It's never too late to start" said Toby and Dean sighed.

"I know. It's just..."

When he didn't continue Toby prompted him gently.

"It's just what?"

"I don't know. It scares me a little I guess. What Sam might really feel about this stuff. He's already been through so much and now this. I'm the one whose supposed to make things better for him and I'm afraid that I won't be able to" admitted Dean.

Toby seemed to think about what the elder Winchester had said for a moment before replying.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe he doesn't expect you to make things better? That maybe he's just as worried that he can't make things better for you?"

Dean frowned. Truth was that aspect of things hadn't really occurred to him. It was in his nature to think about Sam's needs first. Twenty odd years of being a big brother saw to that. It wasn't that he didn't think Sam cared about him – in their usual way of not actually saying these things, Dean knew that he did. It was just he was the protector. The fixer. He didn't know how to be anything else.

"I guess I never really thought about it that way, no" he admitted.

"Maybe you should talk to him about it – you won't know 'less you actually ask" said Toby matter of factly.

Dean sort of shrugged and finished off his coffee. Needing time to process what Toby had said, he put the mug down and went back to chopping the wood. Toby watched him for a moment, then went back to sharpening his tools in companionable silence.

Inside the house Sam was busy mixing up batter for pancakes, complete with a spare apron of Jean's. He prayed he'd have time to take it off before Jean called them in for breakfast – Dean would have enough ammunition for a lifetime if he caught sight of him right now.

He was enjoying himself more than he had in ages. Jean had the radio on quietly in the background, the voice of the DJ mixing in with the sound of birds through the open window and Jean bustling around the kitchen fetching pots and pans as she dealt with getting the rest of the breakfast ready. Sam could remember mornings almost like this when he was a child. Him helping Dean in the kitchen, or what passed for one in some of the motels they stayed in. It gave him that same feeling of warmth he was feeling right now.

He was smiling fondly to himself, still lost in old memories, when Jean spoke.

"I hope you don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help noticing how tired you boys seem. Must be hard, dealing with your Father's death" she said, shooting Sam a compassionate glance.

Sam sighed "Yeah. I still can't quite believe it really. We were used to spending time apart – he travelled a lot – so part of me thinks he's still out there somewhere, on the road. Just a phonecall away you know?" he said softly and Jean nodded.

"Course he's not. I just wish I knew how to help Dean with all this. He and Dad were really close and it's tearing him up trying to handle all this. Especially.." he stopped, uncertain about revealing to a relative stranger, even one they liked as much as Jean, what Dean had told him a few days previous.

"Especially with what?" said Jean and Sam thought for a second before deciding to reply. He could really do with another perspective right now.

"Especially with him feeling guilty as well. See he was pretty badly hurt – it was touch and go for a while" said Sam, swallowing as he remembered the doctor telling him his brother might never wake up. "But he did recover, thank God, but with Dad dying – he thinks it should have been him. That I'd be better off somehow if Dad was still here and he wasn't" he said quietly.

Jean looked dismayed. "Oh that poor boy. Surely he must know that your Father would have chosen Dean's life over his own any day. Trust me, I'm a parent and I can tell you there is nothing on this earth to rival what you would do to keep your kids safe" she said

Sam shook his head. "I'm not sure he does know that. See Dean has this self-sacrificing thing, he always puts everyone else above himself. Especially me and Dad. I just can't seem to find the right words to tell him he's wrong" he said.

Jean walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. "Seems to me all you need to do is tell him how you really feel about all this. From the heart, exactly what you feel. That's all that matters after all" she said.

Sam couldn't help but smile "That sounds good in theory but Dean's not exactly into talking about the whole 'feelings' thing. He'd rather poke his eyes out with a sharp stick" he said dryly.

Jean smiled "Well then you'll just have to make him listen, won't you?" she said, making it sound as if it was the most simple thing in the world.

As they carried on making breakfast Sam found himself contemplating what she'd said. Maybe he was overthinking things, as Dean so often accused him of doing. Perhaps the simplest approach was the best – could it really be that easy?

Stirring the batter with renewed vigour, he began to formulate a plan in his mind.

_tbc_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note: So this is the final chapter now. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but kinda grew ...coughs _

_Thanks again to all of you who have reviewed – it makes my day when I open my Inbox and there they are! Hope this one is ok.. Enjoy:)_

Dean had carried on chopping wood for so long he'd actually used up all the logs Toby had. It had been therapeutic, allowing him to concentrate on the task at hand and let his mind mull over what Toby had said to him. He'd pretty much come to the conclusion that he was right, Dean did need to talk to Sam about what was going on. At least in terms of John's death. There were some things he wasn't prepared to talk to Sam about, and maybe never would be – chief amongst them of course what their Dad had said just before he died. Dean still refused to believe that was anything other than a mistake of cosmic proportions.

Shaking his head to stop his mind going down that route again, he put down the axe and stretched his muscles with a satisfied sigh.

"You want me to stack this for you?" he said to Toby, indicating the large pile of wood blocks in front of him.

"Nah, that can wait for a bit. Don't reckon they're going anywhere" said Toby with a grin. "Breakfast should be ready any minute now I should think – why don't you go get cleaned up and I'll put this stuff away" he said indicating the tools surrounding him.

Dean nodded and headed towards the house. Wiping his feet, he was busy closing the door behind him and therefore missed the look of panic on Sam's face when he saw him come in. As he looked up however he was greeted by the sight of his little brother, looking for all the world like a deer caught in headlights, decked out in a green apron with flowers and holding a plate in each hand.

Dean stared at Sam in disbelief for a second before he started to laugh. At first it was just a chuckle, but the longer Sam stood there, the more the laughter grew until Dean was clutching the back of the nearest chair to stay upright and gasping for air.

"Damn, Samantha!" he managed to wheeze "Nice look"

Sam glared at Dean, but the more his brother laughed the more he had to struggle not to grin himself. In the end he was chuckling too, mostly at the sight of Dean so hysterical. The last time he'd seen him enjoy himself this much had been after he won Sam a cute purple bear at a fair and had presented it to him with a flourish. The bear had been lost somehow after the crash and Sam found himself missing it suddenly.

Shaking off the maudlin thoughts, he turned his attention back to Dean who was now wiping his eyes and trying to breathe in actual air before he passed out.

"Laugh it up Dean" he said dryly "I'm secure enough to wear this without feeling threatened, unlike some people I know"

Dean just smirked "Hey, I'm plenty secure Sammy. I just don't feel the need to dress up like a girl" he said, starting to laugh again.

Jean had been watching the whole thing with an amused expression, and she now decided it was time to rescue Sam since she was the one who'd made him wear the apron.

"Now Dean, it's not nice to taunt your brother like that. Go wash your hands, otherwise I might not let you have any of this lovely food Sam's been kind enough to help me get ready" she said with mock seriousness.

Struggling to get himself under control, Dean stood up straight and tried to look repentant. It didn't work.

"Yes, ma'am" he said smartly, and headed out of the room with a final smirk in Sam's direction.

Jean shook her head.

"I'm sorry my dear – I should take responsibility for getting you into that one" she said with a rueful grin.

Sam shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about it. Actually it was worth it to see Dean laugh like that – just don't tell him I said that"

Jean grinned "Your secret is safe with me" she said.

By the time Dean came back down, still chuckling to himself now and then when the image popped back into his head, the food was ready. They all sat down at the table to plates groaning with bacon, eggs, pancakes, and toast washed down with freshly squeezed orange juice.

The conversation was relaxed and cheerful, with it being Dean and Sam's turn this time to tell Jean and Toby something about themselves. They stuck mostly to stories of when they were kids, Dean doing his best to embarrass Sam and Sam returning the favour. They both felt a pang of guilt at not being able to tell the couple what they and their Dad really did, but they knew that was just too much information.

Jean and Toby for their part enjoyed listening to the banter between the brothers and laughed at some of the stories they played out for them. It was obvious to anyone how close the two boys were and they felt for them with what they were going through. It was clear from the way Dean and Sam spoke of their Dad that they'd been a close knit family.

Eventually Dean put the last forkful of food in his mouth and groaned.

"Man, I don't think I'll eat again for the rest of the year. That was delicious Jean" he said.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, but I can't take credit for all of it. Sam here helped"

Dean smirked at the reminder but instead of the sly comment Sam had been expecting Dean simply grinned at him and said.

"Nice job Sammy"

Sam was shocked for a second, then gave Dean a pleased smile of his own.

"Why don't you two boys take some coffee out on the porch and let that food settle?" said Toby as he stood to clear the table. "You don't have to rush off just yet do you?"

Dean glanced at the time and then at Sam, who shrugged.

"No, I guess not. You sure you don't need a hand with this?" said Dean indicating the dishes.

"Of course not. You boys go right ahead and make yourselves comfortable" said Jean, exchanging a knowing glance with Toby. She guessed that her husband had had a similar conversation with Dean to the one she'd had with Sam. She hoped they'd take this chance to sort things out, while they had the time.

Watching them go outside through the hall with a smile, she closed the door behind them to make sure they had some privacy.

Sam sat himself down on one of the comfortable chairs arranged on the porch and sighed contentedly. Dean stayed standing and went over to lean on the rail, looking out at the trees in front of them thoughtfully.

Deciding to bite the bullet and get things going, Sam spoke first.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking, since we got here" he said softly.

Dean turned round, but instead of shutting Sam down as he would normally do Dean heeded Toby's words and just waited patiently for Sam to continue.

Seeing that Dean wasn't avoiding the moment, Sam took courage from that and pressed on.

"All this stuff that's been going on lately – it's crazy, you know? Neither of us have really had a chance to sit down and process it all. And I know what you said before, about wishing it was you and not Dad who'd died, and I just didn't know how to answer that at the time. I just... Seeing you hurting like that, it killed me Dean. And there's so many things I need to say to you right now I just don't know where to start" he said, so softly that Dean could barely hear him.

"Well I got nowhere to be right now" said Dean, managing a half smile. He wasn't comfortable with this stuff by a long shot, but he could see how much Sam needed to tell him this and although he'd never admit it out loud he needed to hear it just as much, for once.

Sam took a deep breath and tried to get his thoughts in order.

"I just want you to listen to this ok, and not interrupt. I need you to hear everything I've got to say"

He looked up at Dean, and Dean nodded so he continued.

"What you said about Dad's death being your fault – it's not true. Whether he made some kind of deal or not, it was his choice not yours. And maybe he should have talked to me about it first, but that never was Dad's way right?" Sam managed a rueful smile. "But the thing is, when I think about it – I'm not sorry. I'm not saying that I don't miss Dad, cos I do, every day. But if it had been you who'd died instead? I wouldn't be standing here right now"

Dean shook his head. "Sam.."

Sam held up his hand "Uh, uh – no talking remember. I mean it Dean. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – you're the most important person in my life. You've been the one constant I've had for the last 22 years and the truth is I don't know what I'd do without that. I know I don't always say thank you often enough, for everything that you've done for me, but sitting in that hospital. I swear, I would have done anything – _anything –_ to bring you back. You said it wasn't my fault what happened with Roy Le Grange cos we didn't know, but truth is I can't say for certain if I wouldn't have gone through with it even if I had. You said it scared you, what you wouldn't do for me and Dad. Well, I feel the same about you Dean. You have to believe that. You're always so busy taking care of everyone else that you don't think about yourself. Well, that's what I'm here for. I'm your brother Dean, and that means I want to take care of you as much as you want to take care of me. Because I don't know what I'd do if you died. I really don't. I've had so much experience with what that feels like lately - too much. And I can't handle it. I really can't. I need you here, not because I want you to protect me, or take care of me, or help me find the demon, but because you're my brother. That's all I need you to be – alive"

Sam paused for breath, surprised himself at the words that had come pouring out. Dean was staring at him, his eyes suspiciously bright. Sam's words were going straight past all his defences and straight to his heart. He couldn't say anything, because he couldn't get enough air in to speak right now.

Sam swallowed the lump in his throat, blinking back the tears in his own eyes, and continued.

"Spending time here with Jean and Toby, I've been thinking about what it really means to have a home. And the thing is, it's not about a house, or things, or having a 'normal' routine. None of that stuff really matters. Home is a feeling, that's all it is. And I get that feeling Dean, whenever we're in the car, or on the road, or stuck in some crummy motel. As long as you're with me, then I'm home. And I know that sounds incredibly sappy and you're probably gonna kill me later, but it's the truth. But you have to promise me something – you have to stop shutting me out. I want to help you with this, and you shouldn't have to do it on your own - I keep telling you that. But you have to start letting some of this go, otherwise it's gonna destroy you. And I can't just watch that happen"

Sam sat back, feeling drained but pleased to have said all the things he'd been needing to say since that fateful day at the hospital.

Dean swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. Sam's words meant the world to him. He'd been so afraid Sam would resent him for John's death being in exchange for his life, and to hear that it was in fact the outcome Sam would have done anything for was amazing. It wasn't that he didn't think Sam cared, he knew he did, but to hear in black and white just how important he was in his brother's life? It healed wounds that had been opened as far back as the day Sam left for Stanford.

"Wow, Sammy. When you decide to have a Hallmark moment you really go for it don't you?" said Dean shaking his head.

Sam rolled his eyes but smiled slightly at such a Dean-like response.

"It means a lot, what you just said. And I hear you, really I do. But it's not easy for me Sam. You gotta understand, I've been used to being the one who takes of things for all these years, I can't just change that. I'm never gonna be one of these 'caring & sharing' types, and I know – that's not what you're asking for. But I can't change the fact I still wish Dad was here, or the fact I feel guilty he's not. But it does help that you don't blame me for it, so I thank you for that. But you have to remember you might want to start looking after me, but you can't change the fact I'm the big brother and I look out for you. That's never gonna change Sammy"

"And I wouldn't want it to" said Sam softly with a smile.

Dean found himself smiling back and for a moment they just held each other's gaze.

"So are we good?" said Sam finally and Dean rolled his eyes but nodded.

"Yeah, we're good. Now please, _please_ tell me that means we can pretend this never happened?" he said with disgust.

Sam shook his head. "That's a shame cos I was thinking of getting the whole thing printed on t-shirts" he said dryly.

"Smart ass" said Dean and Sam chuckled.

"I guess we'd better go back inside before they come looking for us" said Dean, draining his mug.

"Yeah, I suppose we should get going too, we got a lot of miles to cover" said Sam reluctantly.

"Yeah. Maybe we can come back next time we're in the area though" said Dean and Sam nodded.

"I'd like that"

As he stood to go back inside, Dean suddenly reached out and put his hand on Sam's shoulder. Turning to look at him quizzically Sam saw his brother seemed to be debating something. He seemed to come to a decision though, and suddenly Sam found himself pulled into a hug.

For a few seconds he was too surprised to respond, but then he put his arms round Dean and returned the hug, holding his brother tightly. He couldn't remember the last time Dean had hugged him – it had to be before he went to high school. It felt good.

It didn't last too long though, and Dean stepped back. Ducking his head he didn't meet Sam's gaze but punched him lightly on the shoulder and hurried past to go inside. Sam smiled to himself. Whether Dean would ever admit it had just happened, Sam would remember it. And it was enough to give him a warm feeling inside that had nothing to do with coffee.

Jean and Toby were still in the kitchen when they went in and they both turned to look at them. Jean smiled when she saw a lightness in their step that hadn't been there before. Whatever they'd talked about had clearly done the trick and she shared a knowing smile with Toby.

"Everything alright?" she said and Dean smiled at her.

"Yeah, everything's fine thanks" he said, and for the first time in weeks he actually meant it.

Sam gave her a grateful smile too, acknowledging that without her encouragement he'd never have plucked up the courage to actually tackle Dean about everything.

"I hate to say it, but we really should be getting going" said Dean regretfully and Toby nodded.

"That's too bad. Still, can't keep that job of yours waiting" he said and Dean shrugged.

"Unfortunately not. I'll go get the bags" he said, turning to Sam who nodded.

"We really do want to thank you very everything – you've been so kind" said Sam as Dean went upstairs.

"Oh don't go thanking us dear, we've loved having you here" said Jean and Toby nodded his agreement. "Now, I've made you some sandwiches for later and there's some of that apple pie in there too" she said, handing Sam a neatly wrapped package.

Dean came back in and Sam waved the package at him "Lunch" he said with a grin and Dean smirked.

"That's great, but what are you having Sammy?" he said. Jean whacked him lightly on the arm, shaking her head at him with fond exasperation, and Sam just rolled his eyes as he put the package safely in one of the bags.

They loaded their stuff back in the trunk and then it was time to go. Both of them found they were genuinely sorry to be leaving.

Jean and Toby had come outside with them and Jean was holding a pad and a pen.

"Now you boys take this, it's our phone number, and you remember to keep in touch you hear?" she said firmly, handing Dean a scrap of paper. "And you drop by next time in you're in the area – we won't take no for an answer"

Dean smiled "We'd love to. Here, let me give you our cell phone numbers" he said, taking the pad from Jean and writing out both his and Sam's number on there. He gave it back to Jean and she smiled at him, pleased.

"You take care now you hear? Look after yourselves, and each other" she said, hugging Dean warmly.

"We will. Thank you, for everything" he said softly to her and she patted his cheek affectionately as he stepped back.

She also hugged Sam just as tightly, and he whispered in her ear "Thank you" . She understood that he meant it for more than just the hospitality.

Toby shook hands with both of them. "Thanks for helping me out with all that wood, I reckon that'll last us for a while" he said with a grin.

"Hey, it was the least we could do" said Dean with a shrug. And then it really was time to go.

With final promises to keep in touch and visit again soon, Dean and Sam got in the car and drove off. They both waved until they got to the bend in the track, and their last view of the couple was of them standing arm in arm, waving them off.

Sam sat back with a sigh.

"I'm actually gonna miss them" he said and Dean nodded.

"Yeah, me to. We can come back though, next time we pass. And I got a feeling Jean'll be keeping tabs on us now she has our numbers" he said with a grin.

"Yeah, you're probably right about that" said Sam, grinning too.

As they pulled out onto the main road again, the car filled with silence. But this time it wasn't oppressive as it had been before they'd arrived. It was comfortable.

Sam knew that everything couldn't be solved with just one 'talk' and 24 hours spent in good company, but he knew the conversation they'd had had cleared up a lot of things and he knew that Dean really did understand now how important he was to Sam. And he believed his brother when he said he'd try and open up to him a little more.

He knew Dean would still behave like the big brother, still put his needs above his own, but Sam was ok with that. Because he knew some things you could never change, and all that mattered was his determination to do exactly the same for Dean in return. Whether he liked it or not.

Glancing over at his brother, Sam found himself smiling affectionately. Dean realised he was being watched after a few minutes and looked across to see Sam smiling at him with a slightly sappy look on his face.

Dean rolled his eyes, and reached out to whack Sam lightly on the leg.

"Dude, quit watching me with that look. We are so done with the Hallmark moments, ok?" he said, warning in his voice. "One sappy comment and you're walking the rest of the way"

Sam's smile just grew wider and Dean shook his head in disgust, but couldn't quite stop the corners of his mouth twitching too. He felt better than he had in months since his little chat with Sam and it felt good to be back on the road, feeling so much lighter. That didn't mean he was gonna indulge Sam in his damn Lifetime moments though.

Looking back, he saw Sam had moved his gaze to the scenery that was passing by. Satisfied the moment had been nipped in the bud, and all was well in their world, Dean reached out and flicked on the radio. As 'Fight The Good Fight' began to blare out of the speakers, Sam glanced back at Dean and shook his head but made no move to turn the volume down. Dean just grinned at him and began singing along.

Chuckling, Sam rolled his window down and listened. It may not have been conventional, or 'normal', or any of those other things he'd craved in the past, but this was home. And he wouldn't change it for the world.


End file.
